Why I quit the birth control pill

This post has been a year and a half in the making, and it’s only the first of more to come in a “cycle love” series because I have so much to share with you!

So let’s just cut to the chase: in February 2016 I quit the birth control pill after taking it for 9 years, and I’ve been on a very interesting and empowering adventure ever since as I’ve regained my natural cycle and am re-learning what it’s like to be a woman with all the crazy cyclical changes each month.

I’m usually an open book and love to share what’s happening in my journey from the trenches but I’ve more or less kept this chapter private for the last 18 months because I had to give myself permission to LIVE IT before sharing it.

I’ve finally reached a place where I’m ready to share my story and everything I’m learning because as a life and wellness coach, almost every woman I talk with has experienced using hormonal birth control, hormone related issues, cycle imbalances, mood swings, fertility struggles to some degree, or simply the mental and emotional suffering we go through from not understanding why our energy fluctuates throughout the month.

By making our menstrual cycle an awkward or taboo topic and not talking about it, we isolate ourselves and each other and perpetuate the message that it’s not right to be female and have a cycle, or that having extreme emotions is wrong, or that anything relating to our periods and fertility is something we have to hide and keep secret and discuss in half sentences and whispers and allusions and slang and WOW the world needs all of that to be shattered and obliterated into dust, right?

I guess I need to start from the very beginning.

I started my period later than most of my friends, when I was 13 on a family trip to Holland the summer after 8th grade. My mom helped me borrow some pads from my aunt and I don’t remember it being a really big deal. If anything, I was relieved because (A) I’d avoided the embarrassment of starting in the middle of a school day and (B) I got it before entering high school which was important because I knew that “period talk” was big among the girls at band camp since we lived in cabins together for a week. Awwwww, high school.

18 year old Anna! So cute.

Throughout my teenage years I was known to my close friends as being highly sensitive and an emotional rollercoaster. I was easily triggered into sudden inner rages or breakdowns. I didn’t realize this wasn’t normal (because is there anything normal about being a teenage girl? Ha.) and buried myself in school and extracurricular activities and being an overachiever.

By the time I started college, I started to wake up and get curious about what was happening to me. Well, it wasn’t as much of a “wake up” as it was being slammed in the face...

I was busy with my pre-med course load, admissions job, and as usual way too many extracurriculars to keep my scholarships. I had joined a music sorority, was making some great girlfriends, and had just started dating my crush, a cute pole vaulter named Ben.

From the outside, my life looked perfect.

On the inside, I still felt like something was off. I had phases of anxiety that made me feel like a crazy person, I was struggling to keep straight-A’s for the first time in my life, and I was consumed with paranoia about my relationships, convinced that I wasn’t worthy of love and that Ben would leave me for another girl. It was like I was intentionally trying to create non-existent drama or conflict to sabotage myself.

These episodes were usually triggered during times I was sleep deprived or under extra stress and made me feel completely alone and isolated even though that was the farthest thing from the truth when you're in college literally living in a dorm with hundreds of people.

Most of the time I felt completely normal, so I didn’t really tell anyone what was going on because I felt like I was going crazy and didn’t even know how to explain it.

I remember the day everything started to click.

I was the fall of 2006, I was home visiting my family and I started having one of my manic/depressive episodes. I stood on the stairs to the kitchen sobbing uncontrollably to my mom “I don’t even know why I’m crying.”

In my old room I had all my journals from high school and something in the back of my head told me to go through them to see if there was a pattern to my crazy breakdowns.

Sure enough, these episodes all happened about the week before I started my period, although they didn’t fit the typical definition of PMS I’d been fed my whole life (bloating, cravings, feeling minorly irritated). Once my period started, I almost instantly clicked back to my normal self.

I started Googling and almost immediately found a condition I’d never heard of before called PMDD, or premenstrual dysphoric disorder.

I could identify with almost every single symptom (mood swings, depression, hopelessness, anxiety, intense anger or conflict, feeling out of control, all linked to my period), and I literally felt this huge weight lifted off my body. I wasn’t crazy -- I just had PMDD! I told my mom and we set up an appointment to see the gynecologist.

While 85% of women experience PMS, only up to 5% deal with PMDD.

Back in 2006, PMDD wasn’t widely studied or accepted as anything different than PMS or a minor inconvenience of being female (since then it’s been added to the DSM as its own category of mood disorder), but there was a new birth control called YAZ that was formulated to treat the symptoms.

I started taking YAZ (or generic formulas) when I was 19 years old and didn’t stop for almost a decade, even after my gyno switched me to a different formulas because the risk of blood clots and stroke was so great.

I will say that this is NOT an anti-birth control post. I loved being on birth control!
My periods were so light, I never had cramps.
My mood swings and PMDD disappeared.
I didn’t have to worry about getting pregnant, huzzah!
It was what I needed at the time.

So why did I decide to quit?

After my rocky post-grad school “quarter life crisis," I decided to pivot career paths from environmental science to life and wellness coaching and dove into the world of holistic wellness, spirituality, emotional/mental health, and learning how to view my sensitive nature as a gift instead of a curse to be numbed with medication.

My lifestyle slowly shifted towards habits that made me feel my abolute best from the inside out. Eating healthy, working out, journaling, reading personal development, working with life coaches and energy healers, and surrounding myself with new friends online who were equally passionate about living their best lives.

I had been married for several years, was tuning into my energy and emotions, learning how to slow down and balance my over-achieving drive with my feminine energy and creativity, and all of a sudden I started to wonder why the heck I was still pumping my body with synthetic hormones?

I also knew that I wanted to have a baby within the next couple years and wanted to make sure I had a healthy cycle before we started trying.

Then in fall 2015 two things happened.

1. I started experiencing heart palpitations and had a couple of random anxiety attacks.
2. I listened to this podcast episode interviewing womens’ health practitioner and hormone specialist Alisa Vitti, where she talked about the importance of hormone health and how we can heal our imbalances with lifestyle changes and immediately ordered her book WomanCode to learn more. 

I went to the doctor to make sure I didn’t have a terminal heart condition since I'm a hypochondriac She told me I was perfectly healthy and gave me a prescription for an anxiety medication, which was another wake up call because again, I didn’t want to be dependent on drugs to be happy and healthy. 

So I decided to quit two things: caffeine and birth control.

I think I took my last packet of pills in January 2016.

What happened next was quite the adventure. Stay tuned for Part 2 :)

xo Anna

Heads up: This post includes an Amazon affiliate link that may earn me a small commission at no additional cost to you. Gracias!

Homemade Nutty Crunch Granola

Hello friends, and happy September!

Oh my gosh this has been a whirlwind summer. I’m currently sitting on the deck listening to the mariachi radio coming from the apartment building across the alley (seriously), soaking in the last bit of humid summer-y weather here in Chicago where it lasts. I’m more than ready for some fresh crisp fall air but NEVER ready for winter here...so trying to stay present and enjoy the moment!

It’s been a while since I blogged regularly, and I miss it so much. I’m not sure why I haven’t been writing, other than the usual perfectionitis and being distracted with everything happening in life and biz lately. You know, excuses ;)

I owe you a big juicy life update letter and will send it soon I promise! If we aren’t already virtual penpals you can subscribe to my semi-regular newsletter here.

This weekend I was inspired to bake, and decided to make granola. Homemade granola used to be a staple in my kitchen back in my grad school days, and it’s so freaking good and easy to throw together. The only trick is to NOT over-bake, and don’t add dried fruit or chocolate chips to the mix before you bake it. Just don’t. 

The fun part is that you can mix in whatever ingredients you have on hand and make your favorite flavor combos using this basic recipe.

This granola is healthy, but it’s not low calorie...and it’s incredibly addicting. So proceed with caution !

Homemade Nutty Crunch Granola

Inspired by Health magazine

DRY INGREDIENTS

• 2 ½ c old fashioned oats
• 3 c mixed nuts and seeds (I used sliced almonds, walnuts, pecans, chia seeds, and millet. Coconut would also be delicious. This is perfect if you have a lot of nearly empty bags of random baking nuts in your pantry!)
• 1 ½ T cinnamon
• ½ tsp salt

WET INGREDIENTS

• 3 T melted coconut oil
• 1/4 c olive oil
• ½ c maple syrup
• 2 tsp vanilla extract

DIRECTIONS

Preheat oven to 300*F.

In a large bowl, stir together dry ingredients.

In a smaller bowl, whisk wet ingredients until combined

Stir wet into dry until the granola is evenly coated with the syrup/oil mixture.

Spread mixture evenly in 2 large baking sheets and bake 30-40 minutes, stirring and rotating pans every 15 minutes.

Take granola out of the oven and let it cool before transferring into large jars or bowls for storage. It will get crispy and toasty as it cools, so don’t worry if it doesn’t seem “done” when you take it out of the oven!

OPTIONAL: once cool, stir in dried fruit or chocolate chips!

Serve with yogurt, top your smoothie bowl, eat by the handful. I've been loving it on top of a pumpkin spice smoothie bowl, or with frozen cherries and Greek yogurt. NOM!

There are so many flavor combos you could try.

• Almond and dried cherries
• Walnuts and banana chips or apple chips (I'd add the fruit chips after baking)
• Coconut chocolate chip
• Pumpkin spice (instead of cinnamon) and pumpkin seeds

I can't wait to keep experimenting!

MORE GRANOLA RECIPES

Basic Homemade Granola
Apricot Nutty Crunch Granola
 

xo Anna
 

Using coaching as activism ...and facing my own white privilege

I need to share something with you.

I don’t even know where to start so I’ll start from where I’m at right now.

I pride myself on "keeping it real" and sharing posts straight from the heart, in the messy trenches of life, and I've written lots of vulnerable posts that have stretched my comfort zone but this one makes me feel the most uncomfortable and is probably the hardest post I’ve ever written because in writing it I’m claiming my privilege and the fact that even though I want to change the world, I have an extremely limited, sheltered and narrow personal experience of the world.

At the same time, I can’t not write it, so here we go! Let’s get uncomfy together.

This is not necessarily a response to what happened in Charlottesville this week, although that definitely was a trigger. It’s a response to everything that’s happened not just in the last year, but my life up to this point, and our place in the bigger trajectory of human history.

I'm struggling to figure out what to say. I don't want to be one of those white female coaches who hides inside my privilege spouting platitudes like "choose love over fear!" or “good vibes only!”

I also don’t want to post random guilt-driven responses to the latest tragedy du jour in this carousel of horror and fear we’ve been riding just to make sure everyone on Facebook knows I’m a good person.

I refuse to stay silent BUT I don’t want to simply contribute to the noise.

I want my words and actions to feel aligned, empowered, and from my heart.

So here’s my heart today.

---

I have to start by releasing the elephant in the room: white privilege.

I'm a straight highly educated middle class white woman. We can't use labels to build walls between each other, but we also can't just ignore them and pretend everything is ok.

To me, white privilege means that I get to choose when and where to engage in the conversation and debate around social justice, race, inequality, etc. And I can’t lie. I LOVE reaping the benefits of my white privilege. I take it for granted. I surround myself with people who look like me, act like me, set goals like me, and were raised like me.

---

WHAT CAN I DO?

I know that's the question we're all asking ourselves.

When I get stuck in the labels, it’s easy to feel helpless, like my words and actions and story don’t count because compared to most people, I’ve had a sheltered and privileged life.

I’m not into protests or marches or signing petitions or calling my representatives or being on the front lines or being a social worker or volunteering at soup kitchens or the normal forms of activism. It’s not that I WON’T participate in these things, but as a sensitive introvert they just don’t feel like “me.” I feel guilty about this, like I’m a bad person...but honestly if I want to truly make a change I have to be that change on my own terms because I truly believe that the energy we bring to what we do matters just as much as the action itself.

But I’m also a woman living in a world where patriarchy has been the norm for thousands of years, and I feel like I was born at this time for a reason.

I strongly believe that life coaching is my ministry, my personal form of activism.

You can’t spread love until you love yourself, and I'm passionate about empowering other women to heal themselves from the inside out so they can feel whole and complete, because when we heal ourselves, we heal the world.

And as we're healing ourselves we also have to shine our light into the world and recognize we’re all part of a bigger collective movement.

---

Three and a half years ago, I was called to coaching.

The door randomly happened to open through Beachbody, but underneath the health and fitness I was attracted to something deeper and bigger that I didn't even understand at the time.

My sister, uncle, and mother in law were called into ministry so I've heard a lot of ministers talk about what it was like to hear their "call" and I knew exactly what they were talking about because I felt it too.

It's this deep, spiritual and visceral compulsion that you can't NOT follow because it feels so right, even if you have no idea where it’s leading.

It made everything in my life start to click. It gave me a sense of purpose and validation.

Over the last 3.5 years I've worked with hundreds of women, have deepened my own personal development, became a life coach, and have been exploring my personal faith and spirituality.

I’ve immersed myself in learning about the rising feminine energy that's occurring in our world even as the darkness seems overpowering (because light and dark go together and the more powerful one is, so will the other be), and it's all starting to make more sense.

I’m starting to realize why I’m here, and why I’m doing this work.

And it freaking terrifies me. I'm literally shaking writing this.

I'm also on my period, which means physically my hormones are at their lowest, I have the most connection between my left/right brain (and masculine/feminine energy), and I have a level of detached unemotional clarity as I view my life and purpose in this world.

So these words are not an emotional rant, but are coming from my deepest heart.

I can't tell where my work will lead me, but I know for a fact I'm here .... we are here ... to serve a bigger purpose.

We're part of a collective movement of female empowerment that is rising to dismantle the patriarchy that’s controlled us all for the past thousands of years, to bring more balance and peace to the world.

I see the ideal future as a world where people of all genders, identities, races, cultures, and belief systems are integrated and regarded as equal.

Yeah this is prob unrealistic because our humanity dooms us to war and power struggles, but we can still elevate our collective consciousness.

And I see all the chaos and horrible stuff happening not as a sign that the world is going to shit, but as a sign that deep shifts are happening. As we refuse to stay silent, as we refuse to accept and perpetuate the status quo of inequality, the power structures that have been holding this inequality in place are naturally going to rise up and stage a final battle.

It might get worse before it gets better, but it’s not going to last.

And in the meantime, we have to be strong and endure and face ourselves where we stand.

And it's so so so so so so freaking important that I don’t let my white privilege keep me silent and small in in warm fuzzy bubble. I hate negativity and politics but I can't keep ignoring the realities that are happening in our world to "protect my energy.”

Yes, I have a sheltered one sided perspective, but don't we all? We ALL need to share our stories.

---

What I can do

I'm going to continue to explore my own thoughts and feelings on my mission and purpose, and how I can share my truth and use coaching as a platform for activism.

I’m going to keep messing up and falling short and failing over and over, but we have to keep going even when we feel scared and small and guilty.

I’m going to keep sharing my TRUTH on social media, instead of hiding inside my excuses and fears and comfort zone.

I’m going to continue to figure out what I believe, what I stand for, and then share that from a place of alignment and empowerment.

I can keep talking about all of this hard stuff.

I will keep exploring my personal beliefs and opening my eyes to hearing stories and experiences of other people who are different from me.

I will engage with the homeless people on the street instead of avoiding eye contact and feeling ashamed.

I will reach out to say hi to new people at church who are not white 30 somethings.

I'll continue to protect my energy and putting my self care first, but also staying engaged with what’s happening in the world.

I will commit to healing myself so I can be a source of positivity and light in my work and online.

---

My mom always says "to whom much is given, much is expected" and I have been given so much.

But for the first time I can take advantage of that instead of feeling guilty, powerless, and overwhelmed.

Through coaching I have a platform I can use to create a ripple of positive change while still honoring my own self care first, and I get to teach other women how to do the same.

If all of this triggers you or makes you feel uncomfortable, GOOD.

Let's lean into the discomfort and turn it into something beautiful, even if it's messy and imperfect.

Let’s force ourselves to engage with our privilege, go out of our comfort zone, amd see everyone with an open heart regardless of their race//gender identity//class//economic status//nationality.

Let's spread COMPASSION and love, beginning with the relationship we have with ourselves.

xo Anna

p.s. If you’re also a white woman in the coaching world, here is a great article to read if you've been feeling all the feels and are wondering what to do.

photo by Artistrie Co