What it feels like to slow down

Do you ever feel like you’re constantly rushing through life?

Rushing out the door, rushing through your to-do’s, rushing through errands, running as fast as you can just to stay in place.

Because if you dare to take a break for one second everything will fall apart.

There’s never enough time to do all the things you have to do, much less the things you WANT to do, so you end up feeling constantly pressured, stressed, and overwhelmed, and resentful.

You’re constantly BEHIND on things you can’t even define.

Weekends are even more stressful because you have to catch up on everything you’ve been putting off.

You can never shake this constant nagging feeling of overwhelm that lurks below the surface of your day.

A nagging feeling that keeps you on-edge and never allows you to fully relax, because you have a feeling you’re never quite in the right place or doing the right thing.

So you bury yourself in keeping busy, in staying productive, in crossing off the “to-do’s” and then dumping more on the list, and the cycle of rushing through the surface of life is a self-perpetuating prophecy that allows no happiness or fulfillment to bloom and grow.

This is how I’ve lived most of my life. It sounds horrible, doesn’t it?

When we feel this way and let the daily grind sweep us up and stress us out, when we start to live from survival mode and never give ourselves permission to be quiet and listen to what we NEED, it’s a sign that we’re letting fear control us.

I’m slowly learning how to shift my mindset away from fear and more towards a place of love and trust, because deep down I KNOW the universe isn’t out to get me.

But convincing my subconscious to believe it is easier said than done.

I’m writing this post to process the stuff I’m currently going through on my own journey. If you also struggle with anxiety and perfectionism, I hope this makes you feel less alone.

Autumn is a season of change, introspection, and slowing down. I’m used to the change part, but the slowing down is new to me.

For most of my life I’ve had to speed up in the fall, starting a new school year or season of life. 

I have a tendency to take things too seriously and want to be instantly successful at every new challenge or endeavor. I have a restless mind that’s never satisfied and I've always searched for meaning and truth outside of myself, always feeling like I need to know more, do more, or be better in order to be worthy.

Worthy of what? Success? Love? I don’t even know.

All I know is I’m sick of the constant striving, hustling, seeking. This is the first time in my life that fall doesn’t herald a new transition or phase, and I want to appreciate it more and grow.

I want to seek meaning and truth from within.

I want to be able to relax.

I want more stillness and peace.

I want to let myself just BE, without instantly jumping to what I need to do next.

I want to stop feeling like I’m never enough. Like I never have enough (money, time, talent, resources). Like I never do enough.

Because deep down I know that of course I’m enough.

I have enough.

I do enough.

I am enough.

So I’ve started to break up with my old fear-driven way of living.

It’s hard to completely reprogram your brain, but I know I have to fight for myself if I ever want to be truly happy.

I’m starting to slow down.

I am saying NO to stress and overwhelm.

It feels really really amazing, but of course it’s easier said than done. 

Perfectionism is an angry beast that won’t be slayed with a poof of glitter, a self-help podcast, and a few days of yoga.

Hahahahaha no, this journey is endless, but it is so worth it.

I know there are greater things ahead.

So I’m surrendering my need for control and I'm leaning into the slowness because I know I need it for my own mental and emotional health, and also so I can live my purpose.

I know my purpose in life is to help women take ownership of their own lives and find freedom in being their authentic selves.

Sounds great, right?

But first I need to learn how to do that myself.

Wellll, shit.

I need to let myself slow down so I can listen to my heart, not my head. 

But since I’m not used to slowing down, I am resisting it like mad.

I’m mistrustful of the peace that flits around the edges of my heart.

And the fear is cropping up again.

I am afraid of so many things that might happen if I surrender and let go, release the frantic pace of city life, open my heart and my mind to accept more space and peace and stillness.

I’m afraid of missing out (#millennialprobs!)

I’m afraid of not being good enough.

I'm afraid of letting people down.

I'm afraid of putting myself out there and being seen.

I watch my husband come home at the end of the day and unplug. When he tackles chores or work he doesn’t overthink or over-complicate things, he just buckles down and gets it done. I admire this so much, but I understand it’s not how I’m wired.

I don’t have a natural ability to accept the present moment and focus, because I am so afraid of not doing the right thing. 

But it’s something I can work on every day.

I am teaching myself how to release my emotional attachment on outcomes and goals that exist in the future, and instead live from my values and actions I can take in the present moment to feel the way I want to feel.

---

Slowing down means giving yourself permission to be happy and feel good right now, no matter what your current circumstances look like. To bring your happiness and self-worth into the present moment, instead of postponing it for the future when you accomplish xyz goal. 

---

You have to believe that you DESERVE to receive happiness and love right now. 

It’s really scary and heartbreaking when you realize that you don’t believe you deserve to be happy.

But by slowing down, I am able to bring that happiness into being.

What slowing down feels like to a perfectionist

My anxiety is worse than ever, because I’m cracking open and expanding.

I’m afraid this is too good to be true, the thought that I can just be myself? I don’t have to be productive or accomplish things or chase external achievements?

Yes. It’s not too good to be true.

I don’t have to be perfect.

I don’t have to let other people decide how good or worthy or successful I am.

I feel like a baby, a beginner. I don’t really know how to NOT be productive 24/7 but I’m learning.

I’m practicing every day.

I’m listening to my energy.

When I’m low on energy or feeling down, I’m backing off instead of pushing through.

When the restlessness and anxiety peaks, I get moving and direct it into writing and creating.

I don’t feel EXTERNALLY productive, because I have so many ideas I haven’t been able to make myself implement. But instead of beating myself up I’m letting it just be. Everything will come into being when the time is right.

So in the meantime I’m keeping my breakthroughs and writing to myself.

I’m filling a new notebook every month.

I’m constantly reading, absorbing, processing ideas and listening to my thoughts.

I’m playing around with meditating and doing yoga, which doesn’t come naturally to me.

I have to resist setting goals like “meditate every morning” or “yoga 3x/week” because that triggers my perfectionist again and defeats the entire purpose.

I am learning what “self love” and “self care” really mean.

I’m connecting with my spirituality.

I’m learning how to be ok with my own thoughts, instead of compulsively grabbing my phone to check Facebook or Instagram.

I’m letting myself sleep in, and not measuring my sense of daily accomplishment by how much I achieved that day.

I’m learning not to let my weekly paycheck determine the value of my work, because I don’t trade my time for dollars anymore.

I am paying more attention to my breath.

I'm stopping in the middle of my runs to take in the beauty all around me and take pictures of fall roses.

I am becoming myself.

This is really weird.

I am becoming extra-sensitive to stuff like the energy of other people. Alcohol and caffeine.

I will be buzzed on one glass of wine.

If I drink too much at my friend’s wedding, my heart will race for most of the next day.

I’ve had to cut caffeine out of my life, except for decaf Americano’s and occasional black tea, because even one cup of coffee will give me heart palpitations and trigger panic.

I feel like I am going through a personal Rennaissance.

I am re-connecting to my imagination and creativity, after years of suppressing it because I believed it was "unrealistic" or "a waste of time."

Nothing is a waste of time if it makes you happy.

It’s ok to make stuff just for the sheer pleasure of making stuff.

It’s ok to have a lazy weekend and not get stuff done.

It’s ok to unplug and not constantly post about your life. No one cares. No one is judging you.

This is the hardest thing I’ve ever done.

By slowing down I am learning how to trust myself.

By learning how to trust myself I am expanding into the real me.

xo Anna

Roasted Squash with Savory Autumn Stuffing

Happy November!

I am so excited for Daylight Savings this year, and having more of that gorgeous golden autumn sunlight in the mornings...especially since I am renewing my commitment to early morning runs this week! It's glorious here in Chicago, with record warm temperatures in the 70's, although I'm actually ready for some cooler fall temps!

Did you do anything fun for Halloween? This was the first year in as long as I can remember that Ben and I had no plans, so we just had a super relaxed evening at home. 

We watched Robin Hood Prince of Thieves (ha), I baked some candy monster cookies for coffee hour at church (have leftover candy? MAKE THESE NOW), and also cooked up this delicious stuffed pumpkin recipe for a seasonally appropriate dinner!

I adapted this dish from my friend Katie's delicious stuffed squash recipe. Make sure to head over, check out her gorgeous food photography and healthy recipes, and send her some love!

I've made this two times now (once with acorn squash, this time with little pumpkins) and it is SO amazing. The stuffing makes lots of leftovers, perfect to mix with some rice or quinoa for lunches!

Fall comfort food is my fave.

Roasted Squash with Savory Autumn Stuffing

(Serves 4 with extra stuffing)

Ingredients

- 2 small squash (pumpkin, acorn) or 1 large squash (spaghetti, butternut)
- 1 package sweet Italian turkey sausage
- 1 large onion, red or yellow
- 1 apple
- 2 carrots
- 4 stalks celery
- 2 cloves garlic
- 2 tsp rosemary
- salt and pepper
- feta
- dried cranberries

Directions

Preheat oven to 375 F.

Carefully carve off squash stems.
Slice squashes in half, scoop out seeds (don't throw them away--roast the seeds too!), place in a baking dish coated with cooking spray.
Sprinkle with salt and pepper, and roast for 45-60 minutes, until you can pierce the squash with a fork and it feels soft.

In the meantime, chop up all your stuffing ingredients!

Heat a large skillet with a T of olive oil and saute the onion, carrots, celery, garlic for 5-10 minutes, or until softened. Season with rosemary, salt, and pepper to taste.

Remove the turkey sausage from its casings and add to the skillet with the veggie mix. Break up the sausage as it cooks.

When the squash is done baking, fill each half with a scoop of stuffing, top with feta and cranberries, and enjoy!

xo Anna

Each serving (1/2 small squash with about 1/5 of stuffing mixture) = 2 green, 1 red, 1 tsp on the 21 Day Fix.

Girls trip to Cabo (travel recap)!

Do you ever think "I wish I had a job that allowed me more time to travel?"

I used to have that thought in the back of my mind. Well, I'm learning that I have to be careful what I wish for because this year has been chock full of adventures and trips!

Last Friday I leapt out of bed at 4am to escape cold, dark, chilly Chicago for the sunshine and turquoise waters of Los Cabos, Mexico for a long weekend. It was an incredible trip and I'm excited to share some of my pictures and stories!

My friend Kathleen and I traveled to Cabo together to celebrate the destination wedding of our mutual friend Deidre at Dreams Los Cabos Resort and Spa. This was our first time to Cabo and we had no idea what we were in for.

Well, after two endlessly long flights, a bajillion hours processing through customs, and navigating the gauntlet of overly ambitious drivers waiting to pounce on us at the airport (shit, I made eye contact... "do you need a driver? a ride? boyfriend for the week?" just keep walking), we made it to the edge of the Baja Peninsula and were greeted by our friendly airport shuttle driver Alfredo, who entertained us with stories and beers while he zoomed us down the highway to the coast.

And soon we arrived at THIS magical place!

The resort literally just re-opened a few weeks ago after being devastated by a hurricane last year, and it took our breath away.

The tip of the Baja peninsula is covered with craggy mountains, vegetation and cacti in a blend that reminded me of a cross between Cancun and Arizona, and the land edges up to the most beautiful turquoise waves of the Pacific Ocean and the Sea of Cortez.

Kathleen and I quickly settled into our new routine.

It's not hard to love your life when you're living in the lap of all-inclusive luxury and great service! 

It was really fun to travel with a fellow Tone It Up girl because we have the exact same lifestyle quirks.

Our ideal vacation day begins by waking up early around 6am, ordering a "pre-breakfast" room service snack of toast, coffee and tea, and fresh fruit, and then wandering out to the beach for a HIIT workout.

Then we would get showered and dressed in our bikinis and cover ups before wandering down to the breakfast buffet for a mimosa-soaked feast. 

Then comes a couple of quiet hours under our shady cabana listening to the waves and relaxing before a light al fresco lunch, and then meeting up with the rest of the wedding party for cocktails and an afternoon at the pool!

The wedding itself was absolutely magical. I've never been to a destination wedding before, and being there to celebrate Deidre and Howard with a small group of their closest friends and family was extremely special.

After we all sobbed our way through the ceremony, we were treated to champagne, appetizers, and a three piece string Mexican band before our dinner on the terrace overlooking the beach!

Seriously. I can't even believe these pictures are real.

We all sat around one gorgeously arrayed communal table.

And spent the evening drinking, eating, laughing, and celebrating with the happy couple!

I absolutely love love love weddings, but this one was really something extra special.

Kathleen and I made the excellent decision to spend an extra day at the resort after the wedding. 

We loved trying out all the restaurants and making friends with the staff. I think they were amused by two young women traveling together :)

It's really hard for me to take a few days "off" to completely relax and unplug (and I admit I checked my email a couple times), but overall this trip was the first time I've ever taken an official vacation for myself.

It's surreal to be able to experience places like this.

Two years ago I would never have believed I'd be traveling all over the world multiple times a year, and I'd be feeling trapped by my 9-5, hoarding my limited vacation days to see my family for Christmas.

Now I'm in the middle of literally designing the lifestyle of my dreams, and I'm finally starting to believe that I am worth experiences like this. It's pretty crazy and a little overwhelming, and the process is long and hard, but I will never take it for granted.

Honestly, it's kind of hard for me to share this trip because I don't want to come off as bragging or "look at me, my life rocks!"

But quite frankly, my life does rock right now. I am literally happier than I've ever been. And I want to feel that happiness without dampening or second-guessing it.

Most of all, I want to SHARE this feeling because I want you to feel this way too.

For the first time in my life, hard work is paying off, I don't have to change to fit a mold or squeeze into someone else's expectations, and I am free to travel and design the life that I wouldn't even ALLOW myself to dream about even one year ago.

What are YOUR dreams?

And most of all, how do you want to feel about your life?

Giving myself permission to ask and answer both those questions has changed everything.

xo Anna