I know my last post was a bit heavy, but before I re-launch the blog back into "business as usual," I wanted to share a life update and behind the scenes on what I’ve been up to this summer and how I’ve been feeling. To remind you (and myself) that it’s ok to feel like your life is a hot mess. That it’s still possible to seek meaning and joy and work towards your dreams and business goals while processing grief and loss and all the shit too. Big love and hugs all around!
Our deck has become my happy place.
The weather has for the most part been cool and glorious and I love spending my mornings camped out on the wicker loveseat Ben gave me for my birthday, reading and journaling and thinking and be-ing. Feeling the breeze, watching the squirrels turn the power lines into their circus arena, watching the airplanes glide into O’Hare, trying to ignore the occasional wafts of summer trash smell coming from the dumpster right below.
Sometimes our neighbors across the alley blast mariachi music.
My little sanctuary in the city.
May and June were a whirlwind. Loss and grief as I went through the miscarriage, the high of our annual coach Summit, travel to Florida and Tennessee, bills on bills on bills. Between losing a pregnancy and having two new biopsies done on abnormal spots I have been an expensive human being this year.
So how have I been feeling, really?
Some weeks I’m doing great and flying high, but for the most part I’m just trying to put one foot in front of the other and enjoy summer and not drink too many margaritas and keep my business afloat and serve my clients and be a good friend/wife/daughter and not be wracked with uncontrollable envy when I see my pregnant friends. Because everyone and their mother is apparently pregnant right now, did you notice? I am happy for you, I truly am.
They tell me I am being so strong and I say “well, life happens!” and change the subject before I start crying.
But a piece of me likes playing victim and pity party too. I hear that the only cure for miscarriage grief is getting pregnant again, but at the same time I am terrified of losing all my energy and losing my body and being exhausted and can we even afford this? Am I actually ready to be a mother? FUCK I DON’T KNOW! They all say it’s worth it, in tired strained voices as they bark at their misbehaving toddler in the same breath.
I recently took the Enneagram personality test (here is a great free version!) and was “diagnosed” as a 4, which apparently means I'm good at processing grief, experiencing melancholy, and don't just have feelings ... I AM my feelings. YOU DON'T SAY. I feel like I suddenly understand myself so much better. I feel it all.
When July hit, I was desperate for a fresh start and threw myself into the pursuit of “reclaiming my joy” and my body.
But this week I had a fleeting thought: I think I’ve been putting too much pressure on myself.
I want this year to be my year so bad. The year my business finally blasts through the stable comfy plateau it’s been sitting in. The year I grow into myself. Confidence, gratitude, give zero F’s, overcome fears. The year we start a family.
I want this to be the year that good things happen. That life isn’t so hard. (Ha!)
My biggest fear right now is that I won’t be able to grow a baby and grow a business at the same time. That we won’t be financially prepared for this next step. That we won’t be able to afford to buy a house until we are 40.
But so what if we need to stay in our little apartment for a while longer? I can claim a plot in the community garden down the street.
I tend to focus on what's missing from my life, so I'm making an effort to practice gratitude and look at what is already here. Because overall I'm pretty much living my dream, and life is good.
And as much as I've been craving nature and mountains and wilderness...
Chicago isn’t too bad.
A sneak peek behind the scenes:
Even though I tend to go into hermit mode, I’ve been making an intentional effort to get together in person with friends and family as much as possible, and create more coffee dates//networking opportunities with other coaches and entrepreneurs here in the city and I am so immensely grateful for the support and love and connections I have in my life.
I went to Iowa for my college roommate’s daughter’s baptism.
I went to my first Tony Robbins event, Unleash the Power Within (and the power was unleeeeeeashed). You can watch my re-cap video here!
My friend Amanda and I launched our workshop and wellness event business, Empowered & Free.
I've been running the beta round of my Cycle Sync Your Biz program with a small and awesome group of women.
Ben and I started LIIFT4, a new strength program together.
My mom in law Pat came to visit. We went to a concert in the park and other summery things and it was really fun.
I've been getting back into yoga, getting back into church, and spending lots of downtime reading Game of Thrones and watching Bachelorette, Nashville, and Real Housewives.
Heading into the final stretch of summer, here are my intentions!
I want to continue to focus on in-person relationships
launch my Cycle Sync Your Biz program! (email me if you're interested)
get back into a blogging groove
be intentional with social media consumption (loving the Facebook News Feed Eradicator plug in)
turn my piles of fabric into headbands and scarves for the fall season in the Etsy shop
dive back into the baby making journey without stress.
add more free resources to this blog!
Notes to self/you:
-it’s ok to be solitary, to dive into projects and work (I don’t have to be present on social media every day)
-it’s ok to have enormous goals and feel like there’s no way I can do it all. (lean on trust and faith and baby steps)
-don’t be afraid to show up and LEVEL UP. Do the work/hold the space/life the life/claim the energy as if I am already there.
-take action before I feel ready (I’ll never feel ready)
I'm excited about what's to come, but at the same time I'm content with how things are right now. I think that's a pretty good place to be :)